a strange place called home.

I came down the plane
my head goes to pain
all memories clicked
all images snapped

now it felt that i just left for a week
the sun, the wind, still bleak
the eyes too, of people

even though this place seems familiar
my feelings are massively unfamiliar

the people, the smell
the weather, the blend
the road, the side of the road
the food, the drinks

again i am lost in this space
i thought "home" is not this sand
when home is a strange place
then "home" will tag another land

in beautiful chaos, opening passage.

I left at last, left behind the friends and people i knew today, last week, last month, last 6 months, this year.

I only talked for the first 5 minutes with the taxi driver after waving goodbye to them, then I fell into silence, fell into my head, disappeared into my dimension.

I remembered her tearing eyes, my tightening throat, her shivering lips, my vacant stare. I remembered when my eyes teared for the first time in years, I can't even recall the last time my eyes teared, even when my grandmother passed away and my father, whom I never saw cry, falling into my mother's shoulder sobbing over his mother's death after 2 years of her being in a coma. Even when my uncle died, I did not feel a shred of sadness.

But that sadness conquered me. "How can I love someone so much, without an idea why, with no control of, but not be loved?" I asked, "she does love you, as a friend", "But why don't I feel it's enough? why do i still have hope?" I remembered her being silent after that question and shrugging, "the expectation of being loved back is dangerous." nafsi whispered like he was talking to himself, to me. "Yes." I said without resistance, "but it is still there." I nodded.

I felt it again, that sadness, I was looking through the taxi window, looking at the sleeping night streets, the sadness that wrapped around me like a black blanket, the sadness that spilled from her tearing eyes.

It was not only my confusion of love towards someone which stoned my vacant eye, the feeling of actually "i am going to miss this place, those people" was shooting at me too. I could not understand that feeling, the same way I could not understand why I did not feel any sadness when I left home for the first time to go to study in Australia for the next 3 years in 2007.

And now after 2 years in Australia, 1 year of self deception, 6 months of religious and spiritual challenges, and 6 months of awakening (to what, I don't know yet), I felt like I was abandoning a village I lived and loved for 20 years. "you will be back", but I have no idea if I would, that factor depends on my parents' reaction to the truth of how I am right now, and how I changed since they last saw me, "9 months ago." I exhaled with exhausted agreement.

"We are here." The taxi driver's voice snapped me back into (the so called) reality, nafsi left.
I payed him the fair, got my luggage, and entered the airport. After 15 minutes, I left the airport with even more confusion, I missed my flight, I was going to stay for 9 more days in Australia.

purple flower virus

beautiful purple flowers

filling days with love's power

on trees, their energy empowers

falling gently on streets every hour

bright purple flowers

with calm light in my heart

i look at trees and towers

i seek no other part

as i walk, i think

this purple flower virus

made me no longer sink

made my expectations no more desirous

i left the time of future

and lived the time of now

there is no more vows

brilliant soft gentle calm purple flower

thank you for enlightening my soul

back to Being.

a soft light

i lost hope, when chaos came

i thought i am lost, no one to blame

being in myself, i didn't know what i became

i thought IT will never come

but the moon is not the only light

that keeps me guided at a black night

a soft light now, shines so bright

that i can't describe, neither i can write

i thought "no, it's another mind trick!"

but with my heart, i can not pick

i'm confused, but i won't let it beat quick

i don't know, to be happy or sad

i can't find a way to add

the confusion fades

i can only gaze

into these eyes, i daze

a soft light apears around the street

i stop,

the empty alley

i walk through roads
beyond the broads
i walk in tides
only in my mind

i look at the pole
and the digging mole
i see the art
in different parts

i pass the night streets
in the void fleets
there is nothing around
except ghosts and ground

i walk to the valley
through the empty alley

a voice whispers in the dark
don't act like a shark
or listen to the loud barks

smile and surrender
to peace, you shall not plunder

i stride away in silence
love in my heart, not violence

funny how things change

i used to hate it

now i breathe it

i don't understand it

but its life, take it or leave it

i wanted to fly between buildings

i dreamt of building

now i write for those siblings

to build a future worth for their livings

i felt ecstasy and lust

all i wanted is to thrust

currently, i feel peace and just

i don't want to combust

in the fire of disgust

in the flames of the unjust

i see more light

i see more plight

i am no longer afraid of height

i just want to fly a kite, 

not to fight

funny how things change

how clear things become strange

living a life, i need to arrange

a peaceful death

breathe, keep breathing

awake, no sleeping

imagine, don't stop dreaming

smile, always beaming

look into the world

don't stop for a smoke

listen to what is been told

don't stay in one block

hear, even if you don't agree

believe, to a certain degree

have faith, but don't decree

truth will set your spirit free

compassion will create your de

tolerance will make your eyes see

a peaceful death

is not a myth

be good, take a breath

blue fires

what are they

what do they see

those cold blue eyes

those haunting phantom mimes

what do they see

through that clear sea

what do they imagine

among that wide margin

who do they inspire

with those blue fires

nothing but me, everything around me

thoughts of the coffee singapore girl

she sits with her parents, interested of what they say, amazed by what he explains

but she still looks around, 

the english, the chinese, 

the malays, the indians,

the business man, the school kids,

the friends, the couples,

the old, the young,

and that stranger,

he doesn't look from here, with his interesting different look, 

his black low hat, who is he, 

why is he looking towards me and write in his little notebook,

what is in that book of life

i guess the only thing i can do is imagine, live the moment, 

smile back, and laugh the present

a brighter contrast

there is only one path in our life

we don't go back

we can't alter the past

we don't look sideways

there is no other cast

learning from mistakes

we look for a brighter contrast

look into your heart

find your path

help yourself, to help others

a kid with a plane to malaysia

he has no cares

his eyes glitter for the unconscious future

his imagination is that of an artist

his observation is that of a scientist

his smile is that of an actor

his mind is that of a writer

he is a traveler, yet he is 5

a kid with a plane to malaysia

the darkness inside

"the yin-yang is true" he says

how much more can be said

where every evil has good

every good has evil

people say i am a good guide

but inside, is a different tide

running through my vein

trying to drive me insane

when the sun fades

and the moon blaze

and the void replaced

there comes a new perception

of destruction, death, and corruption

not for those i love

but those i am sick of

those backstabbing materialists

perusing only their self-interests

the darkness inside

taking over my pride

i need a soft light by my side

a path, i take

behold and be found

i don't know who i am

i search this land

for a rooted stand

i don't know what is right

i don't know what is a plight

i don't know who to fight

i don't know when to stay white

where is this world taking me

where is this door leading me

i guess it doesn't matter in the end

i guess i don't need to know this bend

there is something in my wake

there is something up ahead

telling me to stay and look

at the people, you will not lock

a path, i take

a person, i wait