Where is the point?

He asked, "Where is the point of explaining things unexplainable?" But there was no answer, he was waiting for someone to scream the known to him, the hidden, but there is no one around.

He dragged the pen through the paper, wounding and bleeding the white creature with black inked blood that spread all over the poor thin white creature.

The white creature was white no more, the black inked blood has made the black creature.

At Last He Writes

His hands was shaking once more, "YES!" he screamed, "Thank World I am back again on tables and papers." He talked to Nafsi, the ghost behind him, while writing excitedly about cities and destruction, orange and robots, creatures and ladies.

"maybe you are writing too many things at one time?" whispered Nafsi, to the now blurry figure of Lupin, who was writing like a a machine generated by 1000 volts of pencils and supported by 2000 kgs of thick white paper. The papers were flying everywhere in the sun-lighten room.

"I am doing fine, I have many to write, so why not splash it on?" spattered Lupin with his fast-pace talking, still writing and changing pencils every 5 human minutes.

The ghost stayed in silence, he knew he won't be able to stop the madness, although he also knew that the madness will fall as fast as it rose, "suit yourself..." Nafsi said what he always said when he was hopeless of Lupin.

But Nafsi didn't know one thing, how will the madness fall.

The room suddenly started to tremble, Lupin, shocked, stopped writing and looked for the source, Nafsi check outside the window "nothing seems to be happening outside." The tremble became worse and worse, the space around them falling down and morphing. Lupin glanced at the papers and saw images swirling from them, buildings and robots started to enwrap him.

The world around him started to change, the images once created by his writings, have turned into realities around him, he fell from the chair and disappeared in a deserted land.

He looked up to the sky, and saw small square shapes falling down. "i warned you, sir." Nafsi's voice echoed in his mind, and was gone.

i am drunk, high, and aware.

"you know, this isn't working for me at all!"
I yelled at the strangers in front of me while sipping cheap wine from the glass.
I knew at that point I am high, three shared joints were enough to make me giggly and cheeky, but I was planning to get drunk, I wanted to get drunk to experience that feeling I have seen for numerous years... two years.

The whole night I was stable, even read one of my pieces with excellent performance despite the noise of chatter, until I yelled that, then I knew I was on my path to sick drunkenness. That did not stop me from drinking more of the cheap wine.
"Sure it's not, you can't even stand still!" drunken Louie replied to my statement, so i defensively said "True, but that is not the drunkenness my friend, it is but only the effect of thy weed, indeed!" I laughed inside realizing that I am talking poetically, and I loved it!

I tried not to laugh when the stranger told his other stranger friend that he is shitfaced. Steve, that's the name, the shitfaced guy, that was his name! "You are right Steve! pills and acid are shit, nothing like the green!" I was excited to remember his name, I did not care about my argument. "No man! the things you imagine while on acid are amazing!" the stranger said "or even mushrooms." "See with the mushrooms I don't mind, because it's grown, it's natural. All this acid and pill crap are weird chemicals man! unnatural!" Steve replied a wise one that made me node so fast, I had to stop after 3 seconds before I fell. It's starting now, I knew it, I'll just take my last sip of the cheap wine and let the feeling carry, I just had to experience it tonight, had to, I was the experiment.

But I had to stay aware, I had to point out everything I did. I thanked Jess for the wine, and announced to the audience "Time for me to visit the toilets!" and swayed my way through them, "Are you alright man?" the stranger asked, "Yea dude, I just need to empty my small bladder." I was as good as you, I said to myself, why would you ask me that question? I understood those mindless drunk people now, and their annoyance to that question. Of course we are alright if you stopped asking me! If I wasn't, I would probably say so, why let shame and honor stand in the way? We just have to accept we are not feeling well, and even better, announce it to people so they might help, if they are able. I stumbled on the way to the toilets, and laughed out loud, how ironic of what I just said.

Got to the long line of toilet-waiters and frowned "You guys all waiting to the toilet?" what the fuck did I just say? That sentence made no sense, but they nodded their heads, all they needed to hear was "toilet", and they understood.
Talked to a random girl, and entered the toilet, emptying both of my waste products. Such wasteful beings we are! Not just by actions and words, even by surviving this weird world.
I heard a knock on the door, gotta get back to my senses, to my morals, I hate making people wait... do I? Yes I do, fucking get up! Clean your shit and get up!
"I'm almost done!" I claimed to the knocker, flushed the toilet and ran away from the toilet, back to the stranger, Steve, Louie, Jess, and that french dude, who passed me another joint, took two puffs, and left the scene.

I was pretty dizzy at this point, everything moved too fast around me, everything was unfamiliar and weird, I have to sit, "I need to pause" i whispered softly to myself, a guy gave me a weird look, but I had no cares for his opinion, I wouldn't probably even when I am sober. I went under the Queenslander house, where all the sick and dizzy minds sat on couches. I found an empty spot on a couch near a sick girl siting on my side, Max? I think that was her name... "Hey Max! How was your night?" I tried to ask casually, realizing I used "was" in my sentence instead of "is", who cares anyway, she probably won't remember, "Alright" she said, but clearly is not, she didn't care that I remember her as someone else. "Oh wait, you're Anna, Tim and Bek's housemate!" I realized "Yeaaa..." she replied un-passionately , trying to say "Shut up, it's not the time for small talk."
But my superficial mind kept going "Sorry, I thought you were someone else! There is another girl that looks exactly almost like you! How crazier is that?" She gave an uninterested giggle, and that's when I realized I need to shut up and that I am going to vomit very soon at some point, at last, I thought, my system will be partially cleared from the two evils.

Another girl came and sat near me, trying to comfort Anna "How is your night going?" She asked me, "Very interesting actually, and I am going to vomit soon." I bluntly said with a smile on my face, "I might need some water to help the process." Had no idea if it would, nevertheless, got up, went upstairs, filled an empty beer bottle with water, after cleaning it... I think... and went back to the couch where the girl, Elise, that's her name! this water is helping, I took another sip. Anyway, Elise was on Anna's side now, I threw myself beside Elise, "Would you like some water?" I think that's what I asked Elise and Anna, Anna said no with her head, "Nah I'm fine, is it helping you?" Elise asked considerably, "Yep, for sure."
So we sat in silence for a bit, the silence of waiting, waiting for the vomit to escape, there was a dude standing near Anna, I think it's her boyfriend, whatever, it's that annoying blond girl again, that said Townsville was shit to a girl that lived there, talking loudly again, just 6 feet away from the couch. Fucking hell, I will never approach such girl even if I am drunk and high.

"Can you hold this for a second?" I suddenly asked Elise, the sober one, "Nah, I am fine." she thought I was offering the water again, "No, I am going to vomit now, can you please hold it while I empty my wretched stomach?" I laughed inside a bit, handing the bottle to her and turning towards the ground behind the couch, "Here we go." and the evil spirits started escaping my aware mind in the form of acidic liquidish pasta with tomato sauce, cheese... feta cheese, sundered tomatoes, and oily olives. Paused for 2 seconds, and then again came out the evil spirits that tried, but failed, to take over my mind, that tried to snap me into the darkness, and return my brain in the morning.

They failed, and will always fail, because I am drunk, high, and aware.

All was gone, I turned to see the girls have moved to another close couch, fuck it, who cares, that was then, and this is now "Neat, all is well and done, can I have some water please?" I asked Elise with excitement, she laughed and answered "Sure! That was really good aim man! good work!" I shrugged with a smile, and drunk some water from the bottle Elise handed me. "Small bladder calls again, gotta visit them toilets again." I announced again, there was only one toilet, but I kept saying toilets, I think its fun. "Good aim dude, see ya!" Elise's voice echoed in the background, and I saluted blindly in reply.

Arrived at the long line of toilet-waiters, a girl, I forgot her name but I knew her before, asked "How is your night?" that question again, but I have a different answer this time "Pretty good, I just vomited!" "Eh, that's bad." She replied, "Nah, it's actually pretty good, feeling well after that." She probably was smelling my drunk breath when I said that "Yea, it's good like that." Bree, that's it, Bree said.
I smiled, and took my turn in the toilet, faster this time, "Wow, that was very quick!" Bree stated when I came out "I usually am, small bladder." I replied with a shrug while we swapped positions.

I went back to the couch, and I still needed to sit and observe people around, Alan was siting there now, the dude with the lamp hat that switched on (using a switch in his hands) whenever he made a sound from his voice box, "Hey dude, how you doin'?" I asked, throwing myself on the couch beside him, sinking into a black hole. "I just took acid" he said, "Woo ow man, how does that feel?" I asked smoothly, "I dunno man, its pretty strange, it's like I'm in another dimension, and everyone is......" His voice started fading away, the black hole was pulling me down, pulling me into silence, pulling me out of reality. I couldn't move anymore, I couldn't hear anything, everyone was starting to get blurry and wavy, what the fuck? ah it doesn't matter, maybe I need to sleep now, just here, on the couch, it's quite comfortable, Alan can talk to himself, he'll be fine.
No more, no more, no more...

Then she appeared, the angel that saved my awareness, the angel that pulled me out of the black hole, the darkness that will only come back when the sun rises. Everything was in slow motion, her movement and her lips, she was the only thing focused in my vague sight. Shannon, one of the few angels on Earth, a higher being living among pathetic humans. Her voice faded in, "Do you want to go home now?" I heard her ask with a concerned face "Yes!!" I said excitedly with a huge smile.

wistfulness and happiness

i came through a door of light, left behind a dark room, and saw shining souls.

there were questions on their faces, smiling happily but thinking deeply.

i didn't, i was blank, no more i can see through the mind, not anymore i can understand. such a strange feeling, confusing, yet calming, relaxing, flowing.

so i came back to it, came back to reality of talks and smiles, came back after a not-long-enough silence, that sucked me into fantasy and imagination.

i saw and smiled back, these faces beaming with love and compassion, never before i saw.

they came to me when i was wistfully smiling, sad to go back to chatter, yet happy again that i can hear, and i listened forever and ever.

but in reality, there is nothing forever, always changing, always passing away, anicca, anicca, anicca, always in the state of impermanence.

metta metta metta, my life was filled with metta, love, surrounding my head, body, and legs, surrounding my heart.

but my mind was sad, sad to see such things go back, such ignorance to exist, among all the rest.

not of people who i was with, but of the souls that lived years and years before and will live ahead.

for those souls are not truly souls, they are a collection of sankharas that lasted ages and never were crushed, collection of reactions, positive and negative.

i still can't get it into my head, these connections i got, those beautiful people i met, and you came back.

why do you keep coming back?

yes you, you who understands my mind

yes you, you who breaks my charm

yes you, you who takes care of the child

yes you, you who does, but means no harm

yes you, you who had a broken heart

and came to me to fix that part

hahaha, am i going crazy? or are you repeating yourself?

trying to find a person that i will connect with, without wanting dispense?

i wish you would stop coming back, but i do love your presence. am i craving?

because i don't want to, Goenka said my sankharas will start multiplying.

but i can't stop thinking about it, the idea of a person i would love without raving.

as long as impermanence exists, i will forever wistfully smile, alone, until my day has come.

because to live, is to die with a smile.

anicca, anicca, anicca.

mindful awakening

It was a night of soft rain and chilly wind. The café was crowded outside with people, listening to the music that relaxed their busy minds. He had to go down the wooden slope to get to the toilet, the wooden ground was not protected from the rain and his shoes had a slippery base.

It wasn’t a good idea to run down that wooden slope, when he slipped, it felt it took hours for him to hit the wooden ground, it seemed strange and unfamiliar that movement of time. He had time to think of it, to think of how his accident will change the night’s path.

He imagined it, falling and smashing the wooden ground, breaking his back, neck or shoulder depending how his body reacts and uncontrollably jerks to choose the least important and safest part to break. He would gash a scream that shakes the building and drives people’s head upward, jerking from side to side, trying to find the flying monster that will soon end their life,
the life they loved.

But he would release a loud moan, loud enough for the people to know its source.
“Over there! Down the alleyway leading to the toilet!” One man would say with relief.
“Thank goodness it is not my day to die…” He would think, running towards the now constant moaning of the wounded man.

The one man will find him lying down, unmoving, on the wooden slope. His friends start to gather, worried about his health and his forlorn hope.
He wouldn’t move, “he looks like he fainted.” She would say, hoping that the worse is not real “Call the ambulance!” His friend would respond, trying to be the hero that saves his friend from the near death, but not actually calling the ambulance himself, too busy attending the wounded friend.
“Don’t move him!” She would yell at the wounded man’s friend, “He might have a broken bone! Just wait for the ambulance to arrive!” Everyone by now is crowded around him, in the small alleyway leading to the toilet, wanting to see the fate of the wounded man, waiting for the climax to hit the top and reveal the secrets they never knew, but always pursued.

He imagined the ambulance coming and clearing the small alleyway leading to the toilet, pushing mindless corpses away and throwing them behind, trying to save the wounded man, and only the wounded man.

His imagination breaks when he hits the wooden ground, it was finally the time for his long fall to end, to end his life, and for his imagination to become true.

He probably only spent a second lying down on the wooden slope, there was no time for him to release the wounded shout, there was no time for him to think, his body jerked upward intuitively, his imagination was false, his reality was nothing he perceived, his reality was the total opposite, his reality was challenged.

He didn’t understand his perfect stability and reaction at first, he was amazed, he was mesmerized, by his body and the ability to survive that fall with no harm. His mind was floating around the empty space, trying to grasp anything that can make sense of his situation. He stood there frozen, shocked, and unaware of his surroundings.

Suddenly, his eyes started to get bright, his smile started to appear and grow every second, grow so big it covered half of his face, he didn’t just grasp anything in the space that was once empty, but he also saw everything.
He saw everything around him and everything in life that his eyes glowed so bright, his eyes glowed with an intense chroma of yellow light, like a shinning sun in a clear sky, like the sun itself looking downwards on all living on Earth.
The night was no more, the light he had made it clear, even clearer than a burning room, he could see every detail of the physical world around him, all the small cracks on the wooden slope, withered by the changing seasons
over the years.

“Such weak thing you are.” He said solemnly to the wooden slope, “Unable to hurt me, unable to hold yourself.” He thought about the years he withered and pained, to reach a dream he couldn’t gain, but he always stood back up, he covered the cracks and gained resistance for his surface shall not be scared again. 

And on that he exploded into laughter, a laughter that shock the world around him, a laugh that made everything tremble from the power he possessed, the power he already had and just discovered. A laugh that trampled every object around him from the fear that they carried; that fear of being unable to reach the power he had, the fear of staying a weakling
all their life.

He laughed because he realised how pathetic his imagination was, how he expected people to run for his help when he already knew he was dead, he laughed at how he was dependent on people to save him from an inevitable death, how he thought people would truly help him, when all they were trying to do is comfort themselves; comfort of the idea that there was no flying monster that is going to take away their precious life, with their precious clothing, their precious hat, their precious breath; their beautiful face, their beautiful hair, their beautiful soul.

He laughed because he realised they all had that power he possessed, they all knew how great they were, but they never grasped it, they always questioned themselves, questioned their true self.
He laughed so hard and so loud, so whole-heartedly, his eyes turned to amber, still filled with brightness, but it is a different brightness to the sun’s, a brightness of wisdom and the soul, the brightness of mindfulness that is foretold, the brightness of knowing the truth.

He looked up the alleyway, there was no one looking down, no one that dared to get up from their seat of comfort and their drink of relief, no one that dared to see the power the laughing man possessed, no one that dared to see such power exist.

The evening’s darkness came back, a silence he never heard before arose, a silence of fear and anticipation, a silence of all existence that heard the powerful laugh. His smirk never left his mouth; he walked up the wooden slope, with a grip that crushed the wood’s spirit, a grip that vanished the color it bred, a grip that no physical power can move or slip.
He reached the opening, where no one has moved at all, no one has changed their seat; no one has drunk their drink. It’s like he just entered the alleyway leading to the toilet for a split second and returned.

But this time all eyes were turned to his, all eyes uncontrolled by their owners, all eyes filled with fear, anticipation, shock, and they were fixed; fixed on the power that shock their belief, fixed on the energy that changed chatter to silence, fixed on the very eyes that glowed like a pure amber in a dark cave. He scanned around, looking at those fixed eyes, that wanted to close and cry, that wanted to turn and look away at a cruel world, but they couldn’t, they had no control any more, the power the laughing man possessed was mesmerising, the power the laughing man discovered was like a magnet that couldn’t help but be pulled by its opposite.

He scanned around with his smirk, that grew with every eye he met; every time he pulls them closer, he thought his smirk couldn’t get any bigger, but it did, it grew bigger and bigger until eventually it broke into a wild laugh, a laugh that seemed possessed by a demon from their perspective, their cowardly weak perspective. But he knew the laugh; he knew the power he possessed, the power that didn’t possess him, the power he controlled. He laughed upon their wrong perspective, their cowardly frightened perspective. 

He laughed because he saw the truth in their eyes, he laughed because he dug through their superficial layers, he laughed because he saw who they truly are.

He knew the question that dug deep into their head, he knew the question they wanted to ask so badly, but couldn’t have the courage to ask, he knew they just wanted to shout “What is so funny?!” He knew they just wanted to cry out “How can you laugh in this horrid world?!” 

And he knew they would never ask, he saw their ego telling them that this is just a stage he is at, that at some point his smile and laughter will vanish, that he will realise the reality of their world, the reality that will sink him back into himself, the horrible reality that will bring sadness and unrest.

But he knew better than that, he possessed the power that possesses them; he overcame the superficiality that enslaved their hearts, he overcame the slime that covered their mind, and at last he told the question that stirred so deep in their soul, afraid and
unable to emerge.

“Why do I laugh?” His voice echoed like they all asked it with their eyes, and he paused for a second, for them to realise that he knew them more than
they knew themselves.

It seemed like hours have passed, trying to grasp something in their empty space, until he finally answered, they held their place.

“Because,
You all are beautiful people, but you reject it.
You all are unique and special, but you resent it.
You all are loving and peaceful, but you cover it.
You all seek conflict and survival, but run away from it.
You all have the power, but you’re possessed by it.”

His words swirled in the air, but he didn’t see any reaction, he didn’t feel that he answered their questions; he didn’t feel that he fulfilled their anticipation.
His laugh’s echo faded, his smile started to mutate, his eyes lost its brightness, and his body lost its grip and floated in the air.
It wasn’t because he was sad, it wasn’t because he lost his mind; because he understood it at last, he understood his imagination, he understood their selfishness and fear, he understood they are humans, they are earthlings, they are living beings.

He looked back into the alleyway leading to the toilet and said to the wooden slope “You are not weak, you are filled with wisdom, the wisdom of death.”


The wisdom that cannot be understood by the living,
the living that he is not.

He walked back down the alleyway, back to his spot.

i swore

"i need to avoid relationships"

that's it, i just said, with my lips

it is sewing too much delusion

and its always slips

left my french friend

smiling with relief

that no more, i have to pretend

my arms for people, i will extend

i took a turn and stopped

thinking i saw World pointing at something i dropped

but i didn't look back, i stared

at the blue eyes against mine, flared

i couldn't remember her voice

i couldn't remember her size

i didn't really have a choice

her eyes were honest skies

days come, and days piled

her friendship always smiled

but to the first line, i was hostile

i knew the situations

but thought it was worthwhile

i read once, that accepting your love

towards someone that has a different dove

towards someone that didn't feel ties

is love acquired by the wise

and i learned from her

that if someone hears your heart

and still accepts your part

that is someone you cherish, a lot

and i was, i did

i said it to her twice

"i greatly value our friendship"

i don't need to seek the relationship

but i swore

i will not fall in love once more

until that feeling again comes fore

dream of reality

a pink explosion

suffers my eyes

internal implosions

rips my thighs

emotionless is the way to go

for peace and harmony to grow

my face receives a fist's blow

"wake up, wake up"

"this isn't wonder land"

i stand, he spits

"this world is made for man"

i refuse, i kick

i shout: "i am sick!"

i punch and flick

an image snaps, 'click'

i look at the discarded photo

i see a person dismissed

with "dream" as his motto

with eyes that said

he knows, but doesn't

he sobs, but within

his core, is burning

his doors, left broken

i threw the photo

it broke

into tiny pieces of mirror

reality is not clearer