I told someone before I left Brisbane "I am not leaving, i am just dying for a bit and will be reborn."
West End feels a distant memory, temporarily suspended in my subconsciousness until future experiences.
here is how it feels being back.
i am in a different world, no jokes, over here reality has built itself by its people, like the one in Brisbane, and they have permanently suspended it, only involved on what's happening here, and slightly getting distracted by what's happening out there.
i on one hand, have left (died) my Bahraini self here, suited up with my Traveler's and ended up in my Australian pants. Now that I am back, Bahraini Ahmed was waiting, crossed arms, tapping right foot, raised eyebrow, weary of a long time un-coming, thinking that he couldn't sort his shit no more.
So i made friends with myself again, this time the Soul was conscious of body/mind changes, Bahraini and Australian (unlike last time where they almost chocked each other to death and ended up on opposite corners of the room waiting for Australian to leave and Bahraini to be left) smiled at each other, knew it is essential for Soul's existence (which is the source of their existence) to evolve, and happily tagged teamed.
Now that Bahraini has woken up, he eagerly wants to do things that he liked doing before. So I fell into old cycles, of video games and laziness, of not feeling like I want to do much, no inspiration.
Soul and Bahraini had a fight at the start, Soul trying to tell Bahraini to "GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!" but they understood eventually that it needs to happen, and things shall gradually change.
Of course all this I am seeing doesn't really make much sense, the sudden changes and all, in myself and outside. But it's slowly sinking in, I know there is a breakthrough to be had. A breakthrough of weights I have created on myself when I left. I breakthrough of Soul into being, releasing Bahraini.
Time for the Hidden Warrior to emerge. this is making me smile!
November 29, 2012
November 22, 2012
inter the dimension
I have entered a different dimension, no doubt about this.
And I have fallin' into it as soon as I entered. It's a dimension where my child excited, unaware of the effects of it on him. A dimension where one of it's purpose is to erase all thoughts of other places, brings you back into Home, and makes you appreciate the place you are at. I started as questioning my place and what I am doing in life, but that didn't last for long.
We had to come to terms, I knew this within the 3days, I had to be absorb the dimension, slowly, let it be part of me, so I can appreciate it.
The first couple of days where in suspense, in space, in "i just came down the plane and i don't know what the hell is going on, but i do, but it's really confusing, and my body/soul hasn't landed on ground yet". It felt like I am like jelly, easily persuaded jelly. "good morning Ahmedi! yalla get up we'll go cut your hair and maybe then you can go to the Morrocon bath house and get cleaned up! that would be nice!" was my first wake up call, I am dazed.
So I got "pushed around" a bit, parents and brother telling what to do or what I could be doing "come with me to this meeting maybe you will benefit", "let us go get your licence!"
It's good though, in a sense, they are getting things going for me, otherwise I would be stuck in a daze.
The daze, the parents thinking I can't do things for myself, and I can't over here, it's a different dimension, I wish I was thrown here without a place and connections in some ways, so I can discover Bahrain, not go back to something that existed 6 years ago, and still does.
I woke up, slowly making sense of why I am here, I think I understand now. I need to be here & now, i am not leaving, for now, I am not thinking of leaving, until this mission is complete. I need to show that I am independent, I need to be a man, I need to be Man. Time to connect with the masculine. Time to leave the shadows of my parents, shadows of society's projections.
But I can't do it in sudden, rediscovering, re-entering, in depth and surface. The underworld and upperworld, two sides coming together in the middle.
"most benevolent of matters are its middle"
- Prophet Mohammed
I am now looking for graphic design full time work, looking for artists and musicians, re-connecting with family and friends, writing, drawing, hardly playing flute, reading. Loving life in a different way.
And I have fallin' into it as soon as I entered. It's a dimension where my child excited, unaware of the effects of it on him. A dimension where one of it's purpose is to erase all thoughts of other places, brings you back into Home, and makes you appreciate the place you are at. I started as questioning my place and what I am doing in life, but that didn't last for long.
We had to come to terms, I knew this within the 3days, I had to be absorb the dimension, slowly, let it be part of me, so I can appreciate it.
The first couple of days where in suspense, in space, in "i just came down the plane and i don't know what the hell is going on, but i do, but it's really confusing, and my body/soul hasn't landed on ground yet". It felt like I am like jelly, easily persuaded jelly. "good morning Ahmedi! yalla get up we'll go cut your hair and maybe then you can go to the Morrocon bath house and get cleaned up! that would be nice!" was my first wake up call, I am dazed.
So I got "pushed around" a bit, parents and brother telling what to do or what I could be doing "come with me to this meeting maybe you will benefit", "let us go get your licence!"
It's good though, in a sense, they are getting things going for me, otherwise I would be stuck in a daze.
The daze, the parents thinking I can't do things for myself, and I can't over here, it's a different dimension, I wish I was thrown here without a place and connections in some ways, so I can discover Bahrain, not go back to something that existed 6 years ago, and still does.
I woke up, slowly making sense of why I am here, I think I understand now. I need to be here & now, i am not leaving, for now, I am not thinking of leaving, until this mission is complete. I need to show that I am independent, I need to be a man, I need to be Man. Time to connect with the masculine. Time to leave the shadows of my parents, shadows of society's projections.
But I can't do it in sudden, rediscovering, re-entering, in depth and surface. The underworld and upperworld, two sides coming together in the middle.
"most benevolent of matters are its middle"
- Prophet Mohammed
I am now looking for graphic design full time work, looking for artists and musicians, re-connecting with family and friends, writing, drawing, hardly playing flute, reading. Loving life in a different way.
November 19, 2012
the journey towards the old
Last days of Brisbane, seeing people, saying goodbyes. A storm arrives to tell me goodbye and clears my path to head to my next destination.
In the airport, I enter the Unknown realm, where I am unknown to everyone, everyone unknown to me. It puts me in an internal space where I start exploring those hidden feelings of my journey back home. Nothing yet. I play a bit of flute, go somewhere, come back, start reading The Messenger by Markus Zusak, seems like a nice book.
I fly for 9 hours and appear in Thailand. Now that's an interesting place.
I took a taxi to Pat Pong (suggested by my flight seat neighbor, he said 30 bhat to 1 dollar is good), where a night market is (since I am there by 9pm) I plan not to sleep.
When I get there, I don't have enough money for the taxi, a dude asks "what do you need" then he takes me to an oldish man that does money exchange on the street at his bar, "30 bhat for 1 dollar" he says, we exchange and go back to taxi for the money.
I walk around the markets, here is what i see:
wallets, watches, pocket knives, shirts, lots of t-shirts, weird toys, people showing me pictures of women (i guess for good times), people asking me if I wanted a ping-pong show, really fatty looking food, fried meat, fruit, coconuts, faces faces faces.
I keep walking up and down, looking for something, nothing seems to be it, except for a coconut, that was great. I walk away from the markets and start playing flute, someone shoosh's me, I think it's a residential area, I play for a bit more and decide it doesn't feel right. I want a park.
I give up on walking and looking, I go back to oldish money man, sit down and read my book while having sips of Tiger stubbies, the character Ed gets hints of people he needs to deliver messages too, I look at the faces of Thailand night world, such a strange world that one, full of happy drunks, smiling cops, Thai teens, loud Australians, lost Europeans, and ragged homies.
I ask for instructions to the airport "as cheap as possible" the oldish money man likes me (because I played a bit of flute for him) he gets someone to write a message for me in Thai and gives me 4 ciggis. It's 2pm now, I keep walking into back streets and stinky turns, locking eyes with stray cats and smiling at beer drinkers, one of them asks me "you want good time?" i answer no for the 30th time, but i sit down for ciggi and a beer with them, talk about little life, they try to sell me a joint "300 bhat!" but i wanted to stay awake.
I keep walking, everything is closed now, 3pm, i find McDonalds, I drink a coffee and read a bit more of the Messenger, Ed delivers messages to people, I think about the message I need to deliver, no idea.
I leave and walk further, and i find a park! there is big white ceramic steps leading to a solider statue in the middle, on the side a beautiful shrine, hindu maybe? it had elephants. The elephants tell me "keep grounding yourself, ground will keep you sane" I smile to them and nod. There is sleeping peeps on the ceramic all around, I sit on a top step and play them flute, put the sleepers to sleep. This place feels nice.
I walk into a bigger park (the statue was just the entrance) it's 5pm, the day world people are awake now, with speakers of music, one person facing many segregated others, doing funny little movements, stretching, getting the blood flowing. So many different speakers and segregated others around the park. I walk and smile and find little spots to play flute and a spot near a little lake to meditate to distant slow Chinese music and watch little flying bats sweep above the water. I like this place, smells good.
I stay till sunrise, walking slowly through the park, looking at the different spaces, there is a section with weights anyone can use! There is more people doing one person facing segregated others morning exercises, younger people with "funkier more modern" music and moves. I read more of The Messenger, Ed has to do things he doesn't really love, like beating up people, as part of his messages.
I decide I am going to be silent, without knowing, it's so easy to do it here! I go to street food stalls and point at what I want, do a gesture to ask price, they tell me the price, pay, eat, and smile. After I finish eating a number of selections for breakfast, I try to find a taxi, time to leave now.
One stops to drop someone, I ask, with my body language, "are you available?" he says with his body "what you need?" I show him the note mr. oldish money man gave me, he nods, I come in and sit silently smiling. He is comfortable, I am too.
We arrive, I give him the money, I go up the train station, show the message again, they give me a ticket to the airport, and in 20mins I am there again.
Wait for 3 hours, get on the plane, wait for 8 hours, arrive in O-man airport.
Now here is where a bit of realization hits me, the weather, the smell and the talk of the people. I absorb it, let it sink in. It feels nice, it feels right. a bit daunting. I finish reading The Messenger, he realize he is not the messenger, he is the Message.
4 hours and i'm in flight again (the whole journey was 36 hours), I arrive at Bahrain, 9pm. And the for the first time in 2012, it rains. And storms in the early morning.
I see my family, they are happy, I am happy. It's good to be home.
I know there is a bridge to be built, but oh Allah, I have no idea where it begins.
the storm talks to me in my sleep.
In the airport, I enter the Unknown realm, where I am unknown to everyone, everyone unknown to me. It puts me in an internal space where I start exploring those hidden feelings of my journey back home. Nothing yet. I play a bit of flute, go somewhere, come back, start reading The Messenger by Markus Zusak, seems like a nice book.
I fly for 9 hours and appear in Thailand. Now that's an interesting place.
I took a taxi to Pat Pong (suggested by my flight seat neighbor, he said 30 bhat to 1 dollar is good), where a night market is (since I am there by 9pm) I plan not to sleep.
When I get there, I don't have enough money for the taxi, a dude asks "what do you need" then he takes me to an oldish man that does money exchange on the street at his bar, "30 bhat for 1 dollar" he says, we exchange and go back to taxi for the money.
I walk around the markets, here is what i see:
wallets, watches, pocket knives, shirts, lots of t-shirts, weird toys, people showing me pictures of women (i guess for good times), people asking me if I wanted a ping-pong show, really fatty looking food, fried meat, fruit, coconuts, faces faces faces.
I keep walking up and down, looking for something, nothing seems to be it, except for a coconut, that was great. I walk away from the markets and start playing flute, someone shoosh's me, I think it's a residential area, I play for a bit more and decide it doesn't feel right. I want a park.
I give up on walking and looking, I go back to oldish money man, sit down and read my book while having sips of Tiger stubbies, the character Ed gets hints of people he needs to deliver messages too, I look at the faces of Thailand night world, such a strange world that one, full of happy drunks, smiling cops, Thai teens, loud Australians, lost Europeans, and ragged homies.
I ask for instructions to the airport "as cheap as possible" the oldish money man likes me (because I played a bit of flute for him) he gets someone to write a message for me in Thai and gives me 4 ciggis. It's 2pm now, I keep walking into back streets and stinky turns, locking eyes with stray cats and smiling at beer drinkers, one of them asks me "you want good time?" i answer no for the 30th time, but i sit down for ciggi and a beer with them, talk about little life, they try to sell me a joint "300 bhat!" but i wanted to stay awake.
I keep walking, everything is closed now, 3pm, i find McDonalds, I drink a coffee and read a bit more of the Messenger, Ed delivers messages to people, I think about the message I need to deliver, no idea.
I leave and walk further, and i find a park! there is big white ceramic steps leading to a solider statue in the middle, on the side a beautiful shrine, hindu maybe? it had elephants. The elephants tell me "keep grounding yourself, ground will keep you sane" I smile to them and nod. There is sleeping peeps on the ceramic all around, I sit on a top step and play them flute, put the sleepers to sleep. This place feels nice.
I walk into a bigger park (the statue was just the entrance) it's 5pm, the day world people are awake now, with speakers of music, one person facing many segregated others, doing funny little movements, stretching, getting the blood flowing. So many different speakers and segregated others around the park. I walk and smile and find little spots to play flute and a spot near a little lake to meditate to distant slow Chinese music and watch little flying bats sweep above the water. I like this place, smells good.
I stay till sunrise, walking slowly through the park, looking at the different spaces, there is a section with weights anyone can use! There is more people doing one person facing segregated others morning exercises, younger people with "funkier more modern" music and moves. I read more of The Messenger, Ed has to do things he doesn't really love, like beating up people, as part of his messages.
I decide I am going to be silent, without knowing, it's so easy to do it here! I go to street food stalls and point at what I want, do a gesture to ask price, they tell me the price, pay, eat, and smile. After I finish eating a number of selections for breakfast, I try to find a taxi, time to leave now.
One stops to drop someone, I ask, with my body language, "are you available?" he says with his body "what you need?" I show him the note mr. oldish money man gave me, he nods, I come in and sit silently smiling. He is comfortable, I am too.
We arrive, I give him the money, I go up the train station, show the message again, they give me a ticket to the airport, and in 20mins I am there again.
Wait for 3 hours, get on the plane, wait for 8 hours, arrive in O-man airport.
Now here is where a bit of realization hits me, the weather, the smell and the talk of the people. I absorb it, let it sink in. It feels nice, it feels right. a bit daunting. I finish reading The Messenger, he realize he is not the messenger, he is the Message.
4 hours and i'm in flight again (the whole journey was 36 hours), I arrive at Bahrain, 9pm. And the for the first time in 2012, it rains. And storms in the early morning.
I see my family, they are happy, I am happy. It's good to be home.
I know there is a bridge to be built, but oh Allah, I have no idea where it begins.
the storm talks to me in my sleep.
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