wistfulness and happiness

i came through a door of light, left behind a dark room, and saw shining souls.

there were questions on their faces, smiling happily but thinking deeply.

i didn't, i was blank, no more i can see through the mind, not anymore i can understand. such a strange feeling, confusing, yet calming, relaxing, flowing.

so i came back to it, came back to reality of talks and smiles, came back after a not-long-enough silence, that sucked me into fantasy and imagination.

i saw and smiled back, these faces beaming with love and compassion, never before i saw.

they came to me when i was wistfully smiling, sad to go back to chatter, yet happy again that i can hear, and i listened forever and ever.

but in reality, there is nothing forever, always changing, always passing away, anicca, anicca, anicca, always in the state of impermanence.

metta metta metta, my life was filled with metta, love, surrounding my head, body, and legs, surrounding my heart.

but my mind was sad, sad to see such things go back, such ignorance to exist, among all the rest.

not of people who i was with, but of the souls that lived years and years before and will live ahead.

for those souls are not truly souls, they are a collection of sankharas that lasted ages and never were crushed, collection of reactions, positive and negative.

i still can't get it into my head, these connections i got, those beautiful people i met, and you came back.

why do you keep coming back?

yes you, you who understands my mind

yes you, you who breaks my charm

yes you, you who takes care of the child

yes you, you who does, but means no harm

yes you, you who had a broken heart

and came to me to fix that part

hahaha, am i going crazy? or are you repeating yourself?

trying to find a person that i will connect with, without wanting dispense?

i wish you would stop coming back, but i do love your presence. am i craving?

because i don't want to, Goenka said my sankharas will start multiplying.

but i can't stop thinking about it, the idea of a person i would love without raving.

as long as impermanence exists, i will forever wistfully smile, alone, until my day has come.

because to live, is to die with a smile.

anicca, anicca, anicca.