in beautiful chaos, opening passage.

I left at last, left behind the friends and people i knew today, last week, last month, last 6 months, this year.

I only talked for the first 5 minutes with the taxi driver after waving goodbye to them, then I fell into silence, fell into my head, disappeared into my dimension.

I remembered her tearing eyes, my tightening throat, her shivering lips, my vacant stare. I remembered when my eyes teared for the first time in years, I can't even recall the last time my eyes teared, even when my grandmother passed away and my father, whom I never saw cry, falling into my mother's shoulder sobbing over his mother's death after 2 years of her being in a coma. Even when my uncle died, I did not feel a shred of sadness.

But that sadness conquered me. "How can I love someone so much, without an idea why, with no control of, but not be loved?" I asked, "she does love you, as a friend", "But why don't I feel it's enough? why do i still have hope?" I remembered her being silent after that question and shrugging, "the expectation of being loved back is dangerous." nafsi whispered like he was talking to himself, to me. "Yes." I said without resistance, "but it is still there." I nodded.

I felt it again, that sadness, I was looking through the taxi window, looking at the sleeping night streets, the sadness that wrapped around me like a black blanket, the sadness that spilled from her tearing eyes.

It was not only my confusion of love towards someone which stoned my vacant eye, the feeling of actually "i am going to miss this place, those people" was shooting at me too. I could not understand that feeling, the same way I could not understand why I did not feel any sadness when I left home for the first time to go to study in Australia for the next 3 years in 2007.

And now after 2 years in Australia, 1 year of self deception, 6 months of religious and spiritual challenges, and 6 months of awakening (to what, I don't know yet), I felt like I was abandoning a village I lived and loved for 20 years. "you will be back", but I have no idea if I would, that factor depends on my parents' reaction to the truth of how I am right now, and how I changed since they last saw me, "9 months ago." I exhaled with exhausted agreement.

"We are here." The taxi driver's voice snapped me back into (the so called) reality, nafsi left.
I payed him the fair, got my luggage, and entered the airport. After 15 minutes, I left the airport with even more confusion, I missed my flight, I was going to stay for 9 more days in Australia.