ever-existing

days in and daze out, life is comfortable and simple, too comfortable for there is nothing much to do.
Gives me time to hang out with friends, play soccer, lazy about, play video games, drive around.

Ah driving around is good, yes i got my license, and it's nice. It is one of the few moments where I am truly alone within the movement. I feel as other times there is always others' energies lurking around, poking my bit-sensitive-self. It feels that there is no space, no space to express and no space to be, alone. Even in my room I can hear my brother's kids joyfully or sadly cry out. I feel I can't shout out and release the little condensed particles of stagnant energy in my bones and joints. I feel I can't play the flute as loud as I can and chant out the flow of the universe. But I also know such resistance exist in me, resistance that tires.

So tiring I slept 11 hours today, bed and dream state has been a good friend. Today's dream was in a place (with "students" or other people) with many doors in different locations, where every door contained a gateway to another dimension. I would wake up, go back into dream state, and enter another door, another dimension. Felt like I am walking into the different parts of myself, and it being affected by people around me, always morphing changing. The dream was vague, I reckon I need a notebook near my sleeping head.

Dream time, it is a good space, but I have been trying to bring it into my day time. Now I realize that is not the purpose. The purpose is to bring the Daytime and Dreamtime worlds together, not to replace one by another. I need to work with both, move into and onto different states whenever/whichever is needed. Almost making them both ready to go at all times.

The Daytime world is action, creation, and sorting things out. This is what I have been lacking, this is what a man needs to prove for his family, that he contains the ability to manifest things through doing it now, clearing things out before it builds up. To grab every opportunity available that would help in clearing the past, preserving the present, and creating the ever changing future.

Instead I have been procrastinating and waiting.
Waiting for a job I am starting on the 2nd of January, with an art gallery. Excited. Something to do. A lube to the cogs of creativity, and hopefully a little brake on thoughts. Gotta start those cogs moving, chugging, churning. Keep them thoughts focused, slowing, in control.

But really, it is never as bad as i'd like to think so, the inner joy is definitely ever-existing.