on the darker side

I am awake, it's 2:20am... I have been trying to play a video game, online, that I keep disconnecting from, but there is a chivalrous little man that doesn't want to give up easily on this video game! Because there is nothing better to do!

I am awake, I drank coffee far too late, buzzing with energy, energy that I have no idea in how and interest in exerting. I AM BORED!

I haven't said that word for a while, bored, but it feels ecstatically awful to experience such state once again, because I am still waiting for what to come, even though all to come is unsure.

3 days till the world ends, and I am doing nothing about it. Not that I am doing nothing, oh no no.
In the last 3 days I have been looking at screens (not all the time!), from MAC screen to TV screen, being lost in my childhood world again. Such a comfortable numbing one this world, makes me feel so out of place, out of reality, entering another to distract me.

Oh shit, is that what's going on? is life here so miserably great that all I still escape from it. Maybe this is what the child has been doing, waiting for the leaving moment, when Real Life comes in, where I have to work hard and gain my friends, where I have to live in old houses and cook most of the time.

Ah little child, have you been hiding behind screens?
avoiding interactions with people you have seen?
or is it them that avoid you?
or do they only want to be around for a little while
until they go along doing their daily thing.

Looking after children, taking care of little jobs, buying groceries, working from 8 to four, reading the Quran, hanging out with friends, studying for uni, making lunch, staying in their little caves.

Oh little child, have you made your eyes weaker? so you can't see what would happen, what will come? or you just don't want to look at the details, just see these vague little figures passing by your life, they make you smile sometimes, most of the time make you quiet, unsure what to say.

Come on little child, get up, you are 24 now. GET UP!
time to go, move on.
I know it's not so easy, they still sit infront laptops, they even got smart phones these days, say what you need quick, once those smart phones ring there is no stopping them.

But that's ok, time to go, move on.
Bring the soul into being, slowly, slowly.
stop failing.

STOP FAIL

Fail? it is when you go back, even though you know you shouldn't, but you still do. You forget about the fail, even though you know you are currently failing, and not doing anything about it, because you have started already, why stop?

The night time brings you back to me, oh little child, you want to rest in Dreams, DreamTime is what you seek, isn't that what you can find here? No? little child, DreamTime is everywhere, you just need to click onto this one.

chip-chop
The little child in me, and I keep wrestling, I want to stretch, he wants to sleep. I need to walk, he wants to sit at home. I feel like drawing painting, calligraphying, he wants to wank. I want to practice the flute, he is too shy, concerned.

At least I win at night. Meditation, sometimes, dancing, always good. Not enough

NOT ENOUGH CHILD!
wake up! time to go, move on.
I need to come in now, I need to finish this off. I can't be here for long.
I've got things to do, things to grow, people to meet. I've got no time for you!


come now, stop crying now, hear me please, why do you take over?... what are you trying to say?
what are you trying to say little child?

I guess this is what you get for digging deep, into yourself, you start becoming bipolar, you start to move from knowing to crying not knowing, to feeling that it's all perfect, to meh. You start to worry if people will think you're crazy, what is all this shit coming out? am I making this stuff up? is the little child an illusion? isn't all?

oh crap... what do I tell my mom now? she would/still probably think i got that little demon in me, whispering little tricky words in my ears, to divert me from the divine path. I hear myself saying "La mama! it is not a demon, it is this little child in myself, that still needs to learn, for some reason I am figuring out, he is still strong." I am sure that will go down... down.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm FUCK!
I guess I just need to keep these things coming out, solider through... or not, take every day and night as it comes, live what I can, figure out what I can, being less hard on the child, fighting my demons.

Demons, so many of them to fight Mama.